Here’s a project I’ve FINALLY finished. I’ll have to post more details about it later…
I was hoping that I would be posting amazing photos of my bed adorned with a new Denyse Schmidt quilt beneath a wall of freshly framed Karl Blossfeldt photogravures, but alas… my quilt is backordered. Which is okay, but I wish they had told me that fact when I ordered it and not over a week later when I was expecting it to be here. What a let down!
and now the wait…
Eight years ago today Barry took me up Logan Canyon to go cross country skiing. It was going to be an epic trip, from one canyon to another, through the pure white snow and blanketed forest, the two of us doing something we loved to do– together. It was REALLY snowing, my skis weren’t waxed quite right for the conditions, I was sliding backwards down small hills, I was tired, I was cold, I wanted to go home, we turned back… I foiled his plan, but he asked me to marry him anyway. I knew I loved him then. In fact, I knew I loved him the moment we met. We were soul mates before the world was.
But, I am so thankful love grows with time. We have three children. We’ve lived in three different states. A lot of the time we’ve only had each other. And we like it that way. He is a part of me. I’m a part of him.
This week will be a milestone in my life. As I sat and read and meditated while everyone else was at church on Sunday I realized that I have given birth– I had to endure the physical pain, I had to will myself to relax through contractions, I had to cry and bleed and suffer and endure. I went through the whole process, and though I did not come out of it with a baby, I did give birth to something.
I gave birth to a new beginning, a chance to start over…
I gave birth to a realization that God loves me with no strings attached–
and that a relationship with Him does not mean I will just have more things to do.
I think too much.
I need to let myself feel;
to feel my body, to feel my emotions, to delve into my heart and really experience what is there,
without the noise and crowding of quilt plans or book plans or blog entry plans or Relief Society lesson plans or conversation plans (I design, cut, sew, bind, view, display, discuss the same project from start to finish over and over in my mind. So much so, that most of them never get made, and I miss what is happening in the moment.).
But I think more than anything I gave birth to a realization of my absolute dependence on Barry– to a deeper love. I feel swallowed by it. We are so inseparably connected. I wish I could explain it or have the right words to say to him, but I just can’t.
Barry, I love you. I need you. I thank you.
Love, jess
I designed the pattern for a plush toy how-to book being published by Lark Books and in stores this spring/ summer. I got my check in the mail last week and this morning I clicked away at shopfosters.com (thanks for the heads up Dayna) and got this:
I’m plugging away at my nesting and beautifying. My room is the 1st place I see when I wake up and the last place I see at night, so that’s my starting place. I’m filling it with things I love, that are beautiful, that mean something… so that I’ll have a refuge.
This is the week of recovery, and discovery 
because I really like them.
Shop Seedpod has moved to seedpod.etsy.com. Barry’s needed something to do during his week home to take care of me and the kids. Along with removing all the wall paper glue from the kids’ room, changing the starter in his truck, catching up on laundry, cleaning out the rabbit cage, reading countless books, and grocery shopping, he took a few minutes to figure out etsy and sent my books over there. I’ve got a few more quilt journals waiting for pages to be sewn in, so I’ll post them soon.
On another note, thanks so much for the sympathy and well wishes. It has been a rough week, but I’ve had all the time I’ve wanted to lay in bed and sleep or just veg listening to Harry Potter and the Order of the Pheonix (#5) on CD. Sunday’s visit to the ER let us know that the baby wasn’t alive, but I’ve had to wait for my body to do what it needed to. I’ve felt really crampy and yucky all week. Then last night I went through 2 hours of labor– intense contractions and everything. It was hard. I had Logan totally natural, and that was intense, but once it was over I had a little baby, so it was all worth it. Last night was just hard because the contractions were not any easier to work through than having a real baby, but no real baby. I’m just so glad I had Barry there. He knows how to help me relax. He got me dressed, cleaned up the mess… now that’s true love.
I feel WORLDS better today. Like almost back to normal. I showered and put on cute clothes and wasn’t ready for a nap after standing long enough to take a shower. That was nice. Tomorrow Barry will go to work. I’ll stay home and do school and take it easy. I’m so glad the worst is over. Now on to recovery.