Category Archives: Spiritual stuff

Ebb and flow

Barry is being promoted to Captain today. It’s a beautiful day outside and I have this overflowing feeling of joy and graditude and, well, I can’t put my finger on it…

Yesterday something got me thinking about my mission in life, what I want, what Barry wants, what I’m made for. Clearly I’m made to be a mom, my service is needed in God’s church… but what about this unquenchable drive I have to make things? I remember as a little girl I would scheme and dream about the tree house I would someday live in, the art I would make, the lessons I would teach, and how I would somehow be a big influence for good. When I was in high school I was convinced that this urgency to be known by a large audience and have some positive, creative, good influence must mean I needed to be famous. I would tell my mom maybe I’d be in musicals. Maybe I’d draw for Disney movies. I’m still going through the maybes. But this nagging feeling of urgency to BE, to create, to DO the things I idle away daydreaming about ebbs and flows throughout my life, and it never goes away. It seems to be high tide today.

This may seem completely unrelated, but yesterday I started looking into Signing Time. It’s a video program to teach toddlers and preschoolers sign language. It’s beautifully put together. We checked out some of the videos from the library yesterday. The music is great. Logan is already making the sign for milk when he wants to nurse. But, the thing that is most striking to me is that it is put together by Mormon moms who found their purpose, took some risks, used their God-given talents and circumstances to create something useful and influential in the world.

All day I’ve been listening to Peter Breinholt. His music has sentimental value because Barry and I fell in love at one of his concerts. But, his music just feels good. And he is good. If you have time, read this. Another Mormon who found a place with his uniqueness, and is a humble influence for good.

I need to be a DO-er. I’m built to day-dream. I read this quote from President Monson the other day: “The work of reactivation is no task for the idler or daydreamer. Children grow, parents age, and time waits for no man. Do not postpone a prompting; rather, act on it, and the Lord will open the way.” It peirced straight to my heart. And not at all within the context of serving in the church and working to reactivate people who have fallen away. It talked of daydreamers– and time doesn’t wait for them. Well, if anyone is a daydreamer, I am. And so, I need to make my dreams; I need to do them and not simply dream them. Time will run out.

So, I need to put a lot of inhibitions aside. I don’t have to make money. I don’t have to be completely practical. I don’t need to worry about what people will say about the things I make (particularly our parents). I don’t have to paint pictures of the Saviour to make art with a spiritual impact (an “aha” from Peter Breinholt). I think this list is much longer…

I think a lot. I combine things and find connections. I visualize and go through elaborate constructions–but I do it all in my head. So, what good is that? It all disappears.

I think I do have a mission and a purpose that Heavenly Father wants me to fill. That’s why I feel this urgency. I’m still searching through the maybes…

but time waits for no man.

Did you know?

Did you know that if your mom takes the jam out of the fridge and sets it on the counter while waiting for a bagel to pop out of the toaster, but you wanted to get the jam out yourself, the world may come to an end and you must scream “Mom you don’t do very nice fings” and “You make me feel really, really mad.” and “DON’T SAY THE WORD!!” over and over again?

Did you know that the prospect of making your bed all by yourself while the rest of the family goes downstairs can cause your stomach to ache, your legs to shrivel up in pain, your fingers to tingle too much to move, and your back to itch, all while you melt into a heap and wail like the boogey-man is after you?

Did you know that if you’re ten months old your high chair is a torture chamber that causes ear splitting screaming?

Well, I discovered all of these things at once this morning and had three kids screaming hysterically for a good solid 45 minutes while I begged and pleaded for them to just let me eat half a bowl of Cheerios so that I could see straight and maybe even think a little bit.

Barry has decided he wants to go into work earlier so that he can come home earlier, so i get mornings to myself again. And my mom was also here visiting for the past week and a half and has sadly returned to her regular life. And we stayed up late last night and watched the BYU-idaho dance teams perform… anyway, it was a crazy morning I momentarily thought I might not survive.

And, there’s more i have to process. A family in our ward lost most of their worldly possesions in a house fire last night. So, I spent the day on the phone tracking them down, finding what they need, answering phone call after phone call of questions and offers for help…

It feels good to be busy serving and knowing that my efforts are really needed…

Anyway, so much to do… so little time. Imagine not having underwear or shoes, or even a toothbrush.

I can’t sleep at all

The yucky pukey feeling was all over with yesterday, but the coughing!! I can’t stop coughing.

I also can’t turn my brain off. I am restless to make art and found some new inspiring blogs (here and here). I think over this Christmas break I will be doing some drawing (and spinning of course) and overhaul my site.

I’ve also been working on my talk for our Home, Family and Personal Enrichment meeting tonight. As a Presidency it is our Christmas gift to the sisters–a night titled “Fill the Well Within.” There will be musical numbers and talk about how in order to truly serve and give, we must first be filled. Not in the pop culture sense that we should go get a pedicure or something, but that our spiritual wells can run dry if we don’t do what’s neccessary to replenish them.

I based my talk on 2 Nephi 2:25-27

25 Adam fell that men might be; and men are, that they might have joy.

26 And the Messiah cometh in the fulness of time, that he may redeem the children of men from the fall. And because that they are redeemed from the fall they have become free forever, knowing good from evil; to act for themselves and not to be acted upon, save it be by the punishment of the law at the great and last day, according to the commandments which God hath given.

27 Wherefore, men are free according to the flesh; and call things are given them which are expedient unto man. And they are free to choose liberty and eternal life, through the great Mediator of all men, or to choose captivity and death, according to the captivity and power of the devil; for he seeketh that all men might be miserable like unto himself.

We are the creators of our lives. We can choose either to act, or to be acted upon. By choosing to act, we fill our wells and create joy in our lives.

Here’s a list of choices we can make to fill our wells:

  • Choose optimism rather than pessimism.
  • Choose gratitude over selfishness.
  • Choose productivity and creativity–don’t waste time!
  • Choose peace over clutter–or in other words simplicity over complexity.

    • and most importantly

  • Choose love.

    • If everyday we could think about what we are doing and feeling and thinking and ask, “Am I acting, or being acted upon?” If we could focus on being the creators of joy–which is the full measure of our creation–then our wells would be full. We could gain a more proper perspective of what really matters and simply love.

    So, there’s more?

    Today I got a phone call from my friend Tara, who is also my 1st counselor in the Relief Society Presidency. “Can you come get Katie? I am in the church parking lot. Judy Dailey got in a car accident. She hit a power pole. I’m trying to look in her car to see if she is all right…Oh, they’re telling me to move away because the line might fall down. The paramedics just got here. Oh, it is Judy, they just turned her over. I’m not sure what I need to do. Will you come get Katie so that maybe I can follow them to the hospital?”

    I packed up my kids and went to the church–as far as I could. The road was blocked off. I parked by the police car, turned on my hazard lights, told my kids to stay in their seats, locked the doors, and ran to get Katie and her carseat. When I got to Tara she said, “She’s dead. They think that she died before she crashed. Her injuries weren’t enough to have killed her. They said they didn’t know if she had a heart condition and I told them she did. She had open heart surgery last year. She pulled out in front of me and I was following her and thinking, ‘That person is either drunk or asleep’ because she kept swerving. Then she swerved off the right side of the road and hit a garbage can and a mail box, then careened across traffic to the other side. It looked like she was going to hit a school bus and at the last second swerved a little more and hit the power pole. I realized ‘That’s Judy’ because who else drives a blue Toyota van that’s that old and that beat up?” She went on as we hurried Katie and her car seat to my car. Oh, I was dumb to leave my kids!! Jonah was in the front seat and the doors were unlocked. I am so thankful he stayed in the car. I just didn’t know what else to do.

    So do we call the family? What do we do? The police told Tara to let the coroner’s office notify the family. I went home and called the bishop to let him know what happened. The we just waited. I was at a loss as to what to do. Another death? And so sudden. Another funeral to plan. Another dead body to dress…then Jonah dropped the snow globe. Glass and water and glitter and shepheds and sheep and angels all over the floor.

    I wanted Barry to come home. I wanted help with these screaming kids and my swimming brain. I called. His phone was up in our bedroom. I tried to e-mail him. Couldn’t get his address right. I wanted to scream I was so frusterated. I tried to play with my kids in between phone calls.

    It is hard to want to help, but feel powerless to do anything. All there is to do is wait.

    So that was my day. Barry finally got home. I talked to Judy’s son. I met with the Bishop. I will go to the funeral home tomorrow or Thursday.